Post chemo emotions

A lot of people have commented that in my posts I've been very upbeat and positive. I was asked if it's difficult to stay so positive throughout this whole journey. It actually didn't really seem that difficult to me because I think I've always been the type to see the bright side of things....to see the glass half full. And I think I've been very lucky to have such great support around me.....people who have kept a positive attitude, and who lift my spirits.

But I do have my moments and I was actually surprised that I had a breakdown after I was done my last chemo. I thought since I was done that I would definitely be happy and that things will just get better! But instead I realized I was feeling a bit down and maybe sorry for myself. I saw this woman on the streetcar one day with long wavy hair, and I thought how my hair used to look like that if I wet it and put some good product in it.........oh how I missed my hair. I almost started crying on the streetcar. Then one night as I was lying in bed, I happened to think back to the surgery and what that entailed.....not the best memory. I did have a bit of a cry. I didn't know why I was getting so emotional cause I was pretty good throughout chemo!

Finally it all came out. Everything built up inside of me and the tears just flowed and flowed one night (all over my pillow and bf's shoulder). That was exactly what I needed! The next day I felt so much better!

I thought about it, and wondered why I got so upset. Here's my conclusion: I figure I was busy fighting during chemo. My mind was occupied dealing with the side effects, and getting myself better before the next treatment. I was busy focusing on killing all the cancer cells. Now that its over, the fight-mode has been switched off and I had time to reflect back on things. I no longer have that next chemo to "look forward" to, but instead I have the rest of my life to think about, which is a bit stressful. I wonder have I done enough to get rid of the cancer? Is it going to come back? I have time to think about what I've been through, and now I have to live with the scars it has left on me physically and emotionally.

I met up with another cancer survivor the day after my breakdown, and she said she went through the same thing! This is definitely not something that you're told to expect, but I guess its common. So that was comforting to know that it wasn't just me going through this.

I'm ok now. Still happy to be done chemo, and everyday I feel my strength and energy growing little by little, which is a very good feeling! But there are definitely the ups and downs throughout this.......that's life right!