Post chemo emotions

A lot of people have commented that in my posts I've been very upbeat and positive. I was asked if it's difficult to stay so positive throughout this whole journey. It actually didn't really seem that difficult to me because I think I've always been the type to see the bright side of things....to see the glass half full. And I think I've been very lucky to have such great support around me.....people who have kept a positive attitude, and who lift my spirits.

But I do have my moments and I was actually surprised that I had a breakdown after I was done my last chemo. I thought since I was done that I would definitely be happy and that things will just get better! But instead I realized I was feeling a bit down and maybe sorry for myself. I saw this woman on the streetcar one day with long wavy hair, and I thought how my hair used to look like that if I wet it and put some good product in it.........oh how I missed my hair. I almost started crying on the streetcar. Then one night as I was lying in bed, I happened to think back to the surgery and what that entailed.....not the best memory. I did have a bit of a cry. I didn't know why I was getting so emotional cause I was pretty good throughout chemo!

Finally it all came out. Everything built up inside of me and the tears just flowed and flowed one night (all over my pillow and bf's shoulder). That was exactly what I needed! The next day I felt so much better!

I thought about it, and wondered why I got so upset. Here's my conclusion: I figure I was busy fighting during chemo. My mind was occupied dealing with the side effects, and getting myself better before the next treatment. I was busy focusing on killing all the cancer cells. Now that its over, the fight-mode has been switched off and I had time to reflect back on things. I no longer have that next chemo to "look forward" to, but instead I have the rest of my life to think about, which is a bit stressful. I wonder have I done enough to get rid of the cancer? Is it going to come back? I have time to think about what I've been through, and now I have to live with the scars it has left on me physically and emotionally.

I met up with another cancer survivor the day after my breakdown, and she said she went through the same thing! This is definitely not something that you're told to expect, but I guess its common. So that was comforting to know that it wasn't just me going through this.

I'm ok now. Still happy to be done chemo, and everyday I feel my strength and energy growing little by little, which is a very good feeling! But there are definitely the ups and downs throughout this.......that's life right!

Me and my twin

I never thought about how confusing my different looks might be to people who don't really know me and don't know what's going on. There's a shoppers on the corner where I live, and there's this nice Filipino lady who works there who always says hi to me. I think its cause she thought I was Filipino also (I get that alot).

A few days ago when I went to buy some stuff there I saw her again and waved and smiled. She waved back and then asked "Are there two of you??" Hahaha... I thought.that was too funny!

I just chuckled and told her no, its just me....there was a confused look on her face. She had another customer with her so I didn't go on to explain why she would be seeing me with long hair one day, and then a bandana on my head the next day (obviously showing that there isn't really any hair underneath it at all).Or maybe she saw me when I cut my hair really short.....before it fell out....and then she wondered how it grew back so quickly!

One day I'll reveal the mystery of my different looks to her. For now, its kinda fun having a twin :)

Now what?

YAY I'm done chemo!! The side effects for this last one were probably the easiest of all the treatments. The only thing was that I was pretty tired. But I'll take that any day, over the aches and pains or the nausea!

So now what? That's the question I've been getting from everyone. Well there are a few things that will be happening:

1) I'll be working on getting my strength and health back. This chemo has really drained me, and I know it will take quite some time for me to regain all my strength. I'm going to continue my gentle Yoga classes, and then when I feel I've outgrown that, maybe I can upgrade to some regular Yoga classes! I would also like to start back a few dance classes soon to help get my body back into that stuff:) I did go to see a Naturopath to help me get on track with repairing my body....fix all the damage that the chemo has done.

2) The doctors are going to put me on Tamoxifen for the next 5 years. This is a hormonal medicine which will block the estrogen in my body since my cancer was estrogen-receptor positive....or something like that (I don't even know if what I said makes sense). Anywayz, I will have to take these tablets every day and there will be more menopausal like side effects from this also. I'm having enough hot flashes these days as it is....I hope it doesn't get too much worse!!

3) Sometime in the near future I would like to do reconstructive surgery. Get myself a nice new booby....maybe ask them to pump up the other one a little bit while they're working in that area anywayz. I have an appointment with the surgeon in June so I'll find out what my options are then.

4) I gotta go back to work at some point.....boooo. Not sure yet when I'll be going back, but I do know that I'm not ready to go back too soon. I think I will really need to recover properly first. My job was a very busy one, with pretty long hours and quite a bit of stress at times, so I also have to consider if I want to put myself through that again or maybe try something different. Decisions decisions!!

5) I'm working more now on my diet - being aware of what I'm eating and trying to learn how to be healthier. I want to learn to cook alot more things so that I don't end up eating out too much (like I did before). My dear mother has been the one cooking for me since my surgery, but she's going to be leaving me soon....heading back home to Trinidad :( So I'm going to have to learn to cook for myself now! I know a few things, but I really never used to cook that much. Now I have good motivation though ..... time to get cooking!

So those are the main things that I have on my plate now that I am done with the Chemo. Oh and I'm waiting for my hair to start growing back too!! I see a few are starting to grow out already .... yaaaay. But its not a full head of hair.....I just look like a balding old man right now. Not cute!

Last Chemo Treatment...DONE!!

Today, Wednesday March 2nd, 2011, was my last treatment of chemo!!!!!! What a greaaaaaaat feeling it is! I am just so relieved that I don't have to go back there in another 3 weeks to get poked again by an awful needle. So glad I won't have to come home and wait for the pains to begin, and have to lock myself up in my apartment for a week!

Well I guess I still have to get past this week first. But after this, I'm on my road to recovery! I can get back to a normal life. I don't have to worry about having a "bad" week from chemo again!

I RANG THAT BELL AND IT FELT SOOOO GOOD!

I had my mom and brother with me today, and a couple of my new Princess Margaret friends!:

My very nice, sweet nurse, Jessie

My bossom buddy! Her last chemo day was today also!! Woohooo! We're done!

My volunteer friend, Helen. She's been at all my chemo treatments! Such great support and she has the best hugs!

Afterwards, my boyfriend joined us and we went for a celebratory lunch! Now I'm home....so tired cause I think I only slept for about 2 to 3 hours last night! I'm not sure if it was cause of the steroids I am on, or because I was nervous and anxious for today. Maybe a combination. But I'm about to pass out now.

Before I go though, one more scream of joy: WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO YAAAAAAAAYYYYYY I'M DOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!!!!!!!!!!!!